


Past, Present and Beyond

by allmyworldsastage, ShutYourEyes7



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: M/M, Post-Star Trek Beyond
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-24
Updated: 2018-02-24
Packaged: 2019-03-23 13:02:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,002
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13788303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/allmyworldsastage/pseuds/allmyworldsastage, https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShutYourEyes7/pseuds/ShutYourEyes7
Summary: Spock retrieves the box that contains the belongings of Ambassador Spock and carefully puts it on his desk.





	Past, Present and Beyond

**Author's Note:**

> ShutYourEyes7 and I brainstormed this on the train ride home after watching Beyond and I should've incorporated her ideas and remarks ages ago. But well, what's time anyway.

* * *

Spock enters his quarters – or rather the small apartment that has been assigned to him for the duration of their sojourn in Yorktown – and he cannot help himself. His steps automatically lead him to the little safe that sits in the wall right next to his desk in the living area. He really should not be doing this. Not again. It is illogical to dwell on… well, it is not exactly the past he dwells on, not _his_ past at least. Dwelling on the future, however, is hardly possible. He does not even know whether this will be his future one day. What he does know is that he wishes it to be. Yet the probability of events in this timeline to take place exactly the way they did in the one his older self is – was – from, is beneath notice. It would be easy to calculate the exact figures, but Spock finds he does not want to. Instead he allows himself a sigh – it seemed necessary – and enters the security code for the safe. Spock retrieves the box that contains the belongings of Ambassador Spock and carefully puts it on his desk.

 

Since it came to be in his possession, hardly a day has gone by without Spock tracing Vulcan writing on soft cloth with his fingers, without him looking at the photograph of these people – his friends – much older and from a different universe, but nevertheless recognisable, familiar even. There is another object in the box, one he did not notice right away, and yet it is this object that now calls for him again and again. Spock found it the second time he opened the box, a notebook of sorts, and he put it back immediately. It seemed an invasion of the Ambassador’s privacy to further look at it. And, although Spock needed two hours of meditation to accept it, he was also apprehensive of what the notebook might show him. There was no doubt that it was a personal keepsake, a diary perhaps, filled with memories of his old life, memories of friends, a lover, a family even. Spock was not sure he wanted to know. He had never discussed such matters with his older self and he did not know how any such revelation would influence his very own existence.

And then, when he opened the box once more three days later, he could not resist but to flip through the pages. The Ambassador had left the diary to him after all. Therefore, it was only logical that he was to see its contents. It mainly seemed to be an account of the development of the New Vulcan colony, though, and Spock was tinged with something that was certainly not disappointment. He was ready to close the notebook and put it back, when he noticed a folded piece of paper tucked away between the pages. Spock’s heart rate quickened. On the outside of the paper there was just one word in Vulcan calligraphic writing: t’hy’la. Naturally, Spock was aware of all the implications this term encompassed. But before his mind could provide him with any clear thought it occurred to him that there was only one person in his own life Spock could possibly imagine to one day describe as his friend and soulmate and brother and lover and so much more. And this shocked him so much that he closed the book, put the box away and attempted to meditate.

 

It took Spock two weeks to finally gather the courage to come back to the piece of paper that might or might not show an image of or further information on the person that was t’hy’la for his older self and could possibly be so for him. His fingers shook slightly as he carefully unfolded the paper to reveal a charcoal drawing of a familiar face. Spock released a breath he did not realise he was holding and was surprised by the feeling of relief that came over him.

 

This was 1.3 months ago. When Spock looks at the drawing of Jim now, which he knows he should not, but still does, he feels nothing of his initial relief. Admittedly, the identity of Ambassador Spock’s t’hy’la is consistent with Spock’s own desires as he has come to acknowledge, and yet, there is no indication whatsoever that history might repeat itself in this timeline. After all, it took them what his Captain would call _ages_ to form a bond that could be defined as anything close to friendship and Spock cannot imagine that Jim would want anything more than that. Maintaining this friendship is too important to risk losing it based on the occurrences of another timeline, another life. Thus, there is no room for any sense of alleviation or for hope. Spock rather feels dread in the face of a future in which he will never have what his older self once had. And he feels want. Whenever Spock thinks about Jim Kirk, unwelcome as it is, great affection and want bubble up in him and he is helpless against it. Having emotions as such is acceptable, as long as he is able to control them. And in this instance maintaining control is challenging but imperative.

 

Spock is interrupted in his thoughts when the chime of the door announces a visitor. It must be someone from maintenance to repair the faulty food replicator in his kitchen. Spock could probably do the necessary work himself and much quicker at that, but between debriefings, assisting in the construction of the Enterprise A, and the supervision of new crew assignments it is only reasonable to let maintenance play their part and not object to their efforts. With the intention of showing the technician right to the kitchen, Spock opens the door himself and it takes him a moment to process that it is by no means a member of the maintenance crew but his Captain who is standing there, hands in the pockets of his jeans and the hint of a smile on his face.

“Hi, Spock,” he says.

“Good evening, Captain.” Spock considers the furrowed brow and quickly corrects himself. “Jim. What can I do for you?”

“Well, we only ever see each other hurrying from one meeting to the next and haven’t really had time to catch up since we’ve been here. I thought we might do so now. Maybe over dinner and a game of chess?”

“I do not believe that any events have taken place which would require the act of _catching up_.” Spock can see the annoyance on Jim’s face, but his eyes sparkle with amusement as well.

“Have you eaten yet, Spock?” he asks.

“No. And I would not be opposed to a game of chess either.” During the last 966 days aboard the Enterprise it had become a ritual of theirs to play at least once a week and while Spock has not previously considered it he now finds that he has indeed missed it.

“Please come in,” Spock finally offers.

“Thanks, man. I’m starving. Kitchen’s right here on the left, isn’t it. You know, Starfleet’s housing on these bases all have the same layout. It’s pretty damn boring.”

“Indeed,” Spock simply comments, not quite agreeing that the architectural characteristics of their lodgings are able to evoke a sense of boredom, but also not quite in the mood to discuss this matter further. He hasn’t expected to be in Jim’s presence so suddenly and finds himself somewhat unprepared.

“So, what’s for dinner?” Jim asks.

“Ah,” Spock replies. “A small problem seems to present itself right there, Cap- Jim. My replicator has not been functioning correctly for the last week.”

“Shall I take a look? I’m good with computers, you know.”

Spock raises an eyebrow at that and Jim’s grin tells him that he understands it as the display of amusement it is intended as.

“Or I could cook,” Spock suggests. “I should have all the ingredients for a simple vegetable soup.”

“I didn’t know you could cook.”

“It is a practical skill. My mother taught me this particular recipe.”

“Well, in that case let’s get started. What can I do to help?”

Spock feels strangely comfortable moving around the small kitchen, having Jim peel potatoes and listening to him complain about their shore leave decidedly missing the leave part.

“Do you not think there will be enough time to spend at your leisure before the completion of the new ship?”

“Let’s hope so,” Jim shrugs. “I would love to check out the beaches. How are you by the way? All properly patched up again?”

The answer to Jim’s first question would be a complex one, which is why Spock decides to focus primarily on the latter.

“As you know, I am in perfect health, thank you. Dr McCoy did indeed _patch me up properly_.”

“I’m glad it was Bones who was with you back then.”

“As am I. Without his medical expertise I would not have survived my injuries.”

Judging by the way the Captain’s expression tightens and he clenches his fists the thought clearly makes him uncomfortable, which is why Spock changes the subject.

“Have you had word from Jaylah?” he asks, while stirring the soup allowing it to boil gently.

“Yeah, actually. Scotty says she’s arrived at the Academy just in time for the new term. Her courses started last week. I think she’ll have fun.”

“I think, not unlike you, she might pose a challenge for one or two of the professors.”

“Definitely.”

Jim laughs and Spock realises that he has not seen him genuinely laugh in a long time. It is quite a sight and he feels surprisingly pleased that he is the one able to elicit it. Attempting to increase his level of control, Spock quickly busies himself with setting the table and says,

“I am sure Jaylah will make an excellent addition to the crew of the Enterprise once she has finished her training.”

“Oh, she would. But that’ll take another four years. God, Spock, that’s so far into the future, isn’t it.”

Spock nods in agreement and Jim continues,

“Who knows whether we’ll still be aboard the Enterprise then?”

“I certainly endeavour to still be serving under your command in four years’ time, Sir,” Spock announces and realises he means it. He puts the bowl of soup on the table between them and Jim gives him a beaming smile.

“Fair enough, Spock. Fair enough.”

 

Dinner is a quiet affair with their conversation mainly centring on their new ship. Jim finally leans back in his chair and crosses his hands behind his head.

“That was surprisingly good,” he says.

“Surprisingly?” Spock inquires. “Have you previously doubted my cooking abilities?”

He knows perfectly well what Jim means, but this sort of friendly banter has simply become second nature to them; it often is an integral part of their conversations.

“I would never dare doubt any of your many talents, Mr Spock. I’m just surprised I liked a meal that didn’t have any meat in it.”

“I am pleased you enjoyed it.”

“I did. And I do. Enjoy this evening, that is.”

Spock does not know how to reply to that. He enjoys spending this time with Jim as well. And yet, in equal measure, it is exceedingly difficult to endure this togetherness, this closeness, when they never seem to be quite close enough. Apparently, Jim notices Spock’s momentary bewilderment, his slip in control.

“You okay?” he asks.

Spock can only nod.

“Shall we play then?”

“Of course,” Spock agrees and can practically feel the worried look Jim darts at him.

“The chess board is located in the living area,” Spock explains and because he remembers what he was doing there when his Captain suddenly paid him a visit, he stands up and quickly adds,

“I just have to clear up-“

“Oh, don’t bother,” Jim interrupts him and starts making his way out of the kitchen. “You’ve seen my quarters. They’re always a mess. Besides, I can’t believe it’s so bad that you actually have any clearing up to do.”

Spock follows him.

“Jim,” he says, but it is too late. His Captain has already passed Spock’s desk and noticed the items on top of it. He picks up the drawing.

“I didn’t know you drew, Spock.”

“I do not.”

“Who’s that supposed to be anyway? He looks familiar.”

“Yes. Quite.” Spock closes in on Jim and takes the piece of paper from him. He carefully folds it back together and from the corner of his eye he can see Jim scanning the table. Understanding dawns on his face.

“Oh, I see,” he exclaims. “That’s me, the other me. And the other you drew it.”

“Your assessment is correct, Captain. My counterpart seems to have been rather fond of the James Kirk from his own timeline.”

“I know. They were married or something.”

Once more, Spock finds himself at a loss for words.

“They… how do you…” Spock falls silent and simply looks at Jim blinking repeatedly.

“Well, I don’t know whether they were actually married, it was one of your Vulcan things, I think.”

“A bond. They were bonded.”

“Yeah. Bonded. That’s the word you- he used.”

“When did the Ambassador tell you?” And why? Why tell Jim and not him?

Jim shrugs.

“He hasn’t actually told me. He’s shown me in the meld back when we first met on Delta Vega.”

“Why would he do that?” Spock is not able to comprehend why his older self would share such vital information with Jim but not with him. Whenever Spock tried to obtain information of a more personal nature, his counterpart would simply smirk and cloak himself in secrecy.

“I’m not sure he actually wanted to show me,” Jim says. “Could’ve been an accident. Something about emotional transfer?”

Spock knows that technically it is possible to share very strong emotions and memories in a meld unintentionally. However, with what he knows about the Ambassador’s experiences he is reasonably sure that his older self was very well able to control what exactly he would show Jim.

“You have never mentioned it.” Spock intended that sentence to be a simple statement, but it now has an accusatory ring to it and he is certain Jim hears it, too.

“It was not my story to share, Spock. It was his.”

“You are right, of course.”

“So you didn’t know?” Jim seems to be staggered by that.

“No, I did not. Not until I found this among the Ambassador’s belongings.” Spock points to the drawing of Jim, another Jim.

“What do you think about it then?” Jim wants to know.

“It is most interesting.”

“Only interesting, Spock? Not fascinating?” Jim teases with a grin.

Of course it is fascinating, it is intriguing, it is alluring and Spock has thought about little else since he found out. But he cannot bring himself to say so, which is why he says nothing and instead answers with a raised eyebrow. Jim’s tongue darts out to wet his lips and he then begins to speak,

“You know, Spock, I’ve thought about this off and on, about them being together, about what that could possibly mean for us.”

“Indeed?” Spock does not dare hope. Not yet. “And what have you concluded?”

“Well, at first it meant absolutely nothing, because for the longest time you didn’t even like me. Then, when we finally became closer you were with Uhura. And while my reputation might not be the best I’d never actually barge in on an existing relationship.”

Jim has been aware of their potential much longer than he has, Spock realises, and apparently he, too, wishes to explore this potential.

“Are you aware that Nyota and I have terminated our romantic relationship approximately five months ago?”

“I am now. But being only the Captain of the Enterprise no-one actually tells me anything ever. I was under the impression the two of you got back together after the attack on Yorktown.”

“We did not. We do, however, remain close friends.”

“Yeah, that’s what she told me when I bumped into her in a bar a couple of days ago.” Jim makes a step towards him and Spock would now barely need to move to establish physical contact between them. But he is still reluctant to do so.

“Anyway,” Jim continues. “We’re still a command team, you know. And a damn good one, too.”

“Ah, but Captain, we have both previously shown a quite unique interpretation of rules and regulations. We have also proven that we are able to choose in favour of the needs of the many instead of the one. Any change in … our personal relationship has proven to be unlikely to influence our professional conduct. It would therefore be illogical for us to cite our command positions as a counter argument to said change.”

“So, you have thought about this, too,” Jim says and contrary to his usual calm Spock can feel himself blush slightly.

“You know, Spock, what the other you projected, what they had, it was pretty intense. It felt great, sort of like home.” Jim looks at him expectantly.

Very slowly Spock extends one hand, brushes his fingers against Jim’s and finally feels Jim’s hand tighten around his own. There is so much energy in their connection, so much hope and promise. 

“Yeah, like that,” Jim whispers. “This is us, Spock. I don’t want to miss out on this.”

Spock feels Jim calling for him through their touch, feels the need to be one with that other mind and soul and body, is aware that his desires are reciprocated, knows that he belongs there.

“No. Nor do I.” He moves closer, touches his forehead to Jim’s and senses an arm being wrapped around his waist. And for the very first time Spock feels like he has found his place in the universe, not torn between two worlds, two cultures, two possible paths to take, but finally where he is meant to be.


End file.
